The Incoherent Realist

Don't Say "No" To Me!

2011-08-17T13:00:00.000-04:00

... <-- That moment of silence is me, acknowledging all of you who are thinking (or saying aloud) something to the effect of "it's about time!"

Seriously, job hunting has got to be among the top five demeaning things a US citizen can engage in. Am I wrong!? First, you spend hours, figuring out what to write about yourself. Dictionary, Thesaurus, Google, you name it, you're using it. Ultimately, you come up with a masterfully crafted document which [you believe] will pretty much have the reader of said document thinking to themselves (or saying aloud) "this person is the sh*t!"

After exalting yourself on paper to all but the status of a god, you're likely feeling rather good about yourself. Now it's time to decide which organization is worthy of your consideration.

Then the fun begins! You dress in your best clothing, and carry your masterfully crafted document into a room of strangers whose sole objective is to accentuate your flaws. And let me tell you, if these folks were using a flaw-highlighter, I would be glowing in the dark after about 45 seconds.

Needless to say, you often leave those strangers feeling considerably less god-like. You gave your best, and it still wasn't good enough...ouch! Then the less god-like feeling begins to transform into resentment:

You: How dare they judge me!? I can do all three of their jobs with my eyes closed!
Voice of Reason: It's their job to make you feel like you are inadequate. That way, you won't be offended in the event you actually receive their pathetic excuse for an offer.

Suddenly, the 150 other listings on Dice.com are no longer relevant, and it's this one particular position that you have dreamed of your entire life and can't live without. They have free benefits, after all!

Then the phone rings...you answer. "This is Adrian...oh, ok...thank you for your consideration." Yes, you just thanked someone for rejecting you. So much for being the sh*t.

I'm bored

2011-04-13T14:00:00.001-04:00

So it's up to you folks...lol! Wait, I probably don't even have "folks" anymore, it's up to you two people, still reading my poor excuse for a blog. Yes, I'm talking to you, Susan and Rashad...It's up to you to entertain me.

Here's my idea...

Leave a comment, using the "verification word" in a sentence.

I'll start with a verification word I encountered today.

I saw a woman walking down the street today, and couldn't help but stare at her abnormally large chess. Chess.

Eric Devaughn: The Polite panhandler

2011-04-05T15:45:00.008-04:00

I was approached by Eric Devaughn (sp) a couple of weekends ago and was impressed by his politeness. I've reconstructed a brief POV video of the encounter. And no, I did not give Eric any money.

Ty vs. The Laptop Bag

2011-02-03T12:30:00.003-05:00

My dog is spoiled, and likes to lay on bedding of any kind. My dog also likes to be directly next to humans 99.9% of the time. When I'm home, I spend the majority of my time in my loft. My loft has hardwood flooring, and as a result, Ty will not sit or lay in the loft. Instead, he will pace around incessantly, hoping for some bedding to magically appear by the next time he circles back around.

This can be quite frustrating for me, so I decided to purchase a bed for Ty to lay on while I am in my loft.

The bed came about a week ago, and Ty LOVED it. He would even sleep on his bed when I wasn't in the loft.

But all of a sudden, Ty no longer loves his bed. "Why", you might ask? The answer to that question lies within the following video:

A Birthday Weekend With Friends

2010-11-23T11:00:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, two of my very dear friends - Nicole and Susan - took me out to celebrate my birthday. It is common knowledge that I suck at blogging, and I will not attempt to disprove that fact on this day. I will leave it to the pros.

So please feel free to check out:

Susan's blog detailing my Birthday dinner at Ray's: The Steaks

and

Nicole's blog detailing my Birthday surprise at the DC Armory

I'm so very thankful to all of my friends who contributed to my 33rd Birthday/Birthday weekend and a special thanks to Susan and Nicole!

Today I Turn 33

2010-11-22T09:00:00.000-05:00

Today marks the beginning of my thirty third year of existence. I've come a long way...

This past year had some memorable experiences...

I've made new friends...

And said goodbye to some, as well...

I've learned a little more about myself:

I suck at blogging.

I love Gator Nuggets (and Olivia Wilde)!

I'm not too old to have my cast signed.

I think Dogfish Head Ale is delicious.

Thanks to all of my friends, family and loved ones for contributing to yet another great year of my life.

Diet-betes

2010-08-27T09:00:00.002-04:00

Think of all of the things you enjoy to eat. Go on, make a list!

My list would look something like this:

Chocolove, Hazelnuts in Milk Chocolate bar
Red wine
Beef tenderloin, medium rare - medium
Rum (with Coke)
(Alli)Gator nuggets
Chick-Fil-A: Arnold Palmer, Cookies and cream milkshake, chicken strips (with Chick-Fil-A sauce)
Sushi

Now that you have your list of things which cause you to bounce up and down in your seat, uncontrollably, proceed to partake in a week long diet without not one of those things (assuming you were honest when compiling your list ).

I am currently in the home stretch of such a torturous ordeal. A recent wake-up call from my doctor reminded me that my diet is not one of someone who remains in good health over time. In fact, my diet (along with my genetic background), will surely result in me developing Diabetes! Me? Diabetes? Dammit!

Naturally, I don't want Diabetes, so in an effort to prevent its manifestation, I am engaging in a trial diet. This diet will not only bring me great frustration, anger and suicidal thoughts, but will also determine if dietary change alone can ensure I remain in good health (i.e. not diabetic) over time.

Here is a list of things that I eliminated from my diet this week. I ask that you please keep in mind the list you created above. If you ignored my request to create a list, I hope you spill coffee on your keyboard.

The Diet-betes NO list:

Rice
White potatoes
Carrots
Beets
Corn
Bread (yes...bread...ALL of it. not just white bread. no. bread. period!)
Pasta
Fats (Oils, butter, margarine, nuts, etc)
Dairy
Red meat
Alcohol
Sugar

If you're thinking "what exactly CAN you eat!?" I assure you, you are not alone.

The Diet-betes YES list:

Greens, spinach
Broccoli
Brussell sprouts
Green beans
Peas
Snow peas (yeah, you said peas, stop trying to act like you are giving me more options than you really are!)
Asparagus
Lettuce
Cucumber
Onion
Bean sprouts
Squash
Okra (steamed)
Cabbage
One serving of white meat daily
One serving of fruit daily

I don't know about you, but just the thought of eating about half of the items on the YES list makes me want to embrace Diabetes with open arms.

If you are reading this blog, thinking "big deal, it's just a diet, get over it." I have two responses, depending on your dietary habits. If you are a) vegetarian or worse (i.e. more strict), I commend you. But if you are b) someone whose idea of dieting is not eating fast food, I hope you spill coffee on your keyboard.

Sunday is the last day I will be following this strict diet. While I am certain I will need to change my dietary habits in general, I could not be happier that this week of sheer hell is coming to an end. I honestly have never felt so hungry for so long in my entire life.

To my Followers

2010-08-27T08:00:00.000-04:00

Imagine, if you are able, that I am standing in front of a podium. My appearance is that of someone who is neither fully there, nor fully gone. I just, exist. I might be wearing jeans, and a slightly wrinkled polo, hurriedly tucked, as if it were a last minute decision to do so. There are 10-15 microphones in front of me, and flashes of light firing sporadically, like fireworks, illuminating my visage.

I look down to a pre-written manuscript, and I begin to speak...

Good morning. The last few months, I have been disconnected from all of you. For that, I apologize. There were circumstances in my personal life which warranted my attention.

I thank those who have continued to check my blog, and those who have vocalized their disappointment with my lack of commitment to my followers.

Today, I am rededicating myself to my blog and to my blog followers. I will do better. Thank you.

Now...where were we?

Hating on the Neti Pot

2010-05-07T09:00:00.002-04:00

About twenty four months ago, my mother presented me with a gift which she promised would provide some relief from my chronic sinus woes; a Neti Pot. For those of you who don't know what a Neti Pot is, it looks almost like a tea pot, only the liquid from this pot doesn't go into a dainty little cup, but rather up (and out of) your nose. Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen; there is nothing dainty about using a Neti Pot.

After receiving my Neti Pot, I was encouraged to give it a test run. So I did. The result: A whole lot of burning in my nose and watery eyes but absolutely no relief whatsoever. Disgusted, I threw the Neti Pot into the back of my cabinet. (I couldn't just throw away a gift from my mother!)

Fast forward two years to this past weekend. When my sinuses started acting up and the usual over-the-counter medication (shout out to Aleve Cold & Sinus) wasn't working, I decided to give the Neti Pot another chance to impress me. I reached into the back of my cabinet and retrieved the Neti Pot. I began the ritual that my mother taught me, filling the Neti Pot with warm distilled water, adding the solution, hold my breath and then...A whole lot of burning in my nose, my eyes watered profusely. I felt the onset of disgust as I waited for a miracle. But then, something happened that I didn't expect. Drainage! Lots of it! Huzzah! Praise be to the Neti Pot, for thou art worthy!

Thanks mom.

I'm Glad She Left

2010-04-03T21:14:00.005-04:00

her beauty went skin deep, then straight to her heart
as she filled my days with joy, i filled her nights with pain
happy memories are now the source of my sadness

so for whomever smiles at her today, i'm glad she left

-Adrian

A Fun Weekend With Friends

2010-03-29T07:45:00.005-04:00

And I'm too tired to write about it (plus my friend Insana already did an excellent job of it), but here's a video:

Morbidity Abounds

2010-03-16T09:15:00.008-04:00

Death. We all know it's coming. And for many of us, it's coming too soon. I'm somewhat ok with the idea of death (though i'd certainly prefer my passing to be as painless and unannounced as possible). I do have a slight curiousity about what ensues postmortem, but I don't think about it much. I figure I'll cross that bridge once I get to it.

Lately, I've been increasingly concerned about one particular aspect of my death. And, I don't know how to word this without it sounding silly, so here goes. Say I were to die at home, alone. How long would it take before my body was discovered? a day? a week? more? I'd like for that time period (let's call it dead body discovery time) to be as small as possible. You might say to me, "Adrian, you're silly. You wouldn't even care, you'd be dead!". And in fact, you'd be right, I probably will not care. But what if I'm sitting over my body weeping ghost tears once my dead body discovery time exceeds one day? Could you go to sleep at night with that on your conscience? I didn't think so.

At any rate, I think of my dead body discovery time as a reflection of the relationships I had when I was alive. And while I am alive, I don't ever want to be at a point where my dead body discovery time is greater than one day.

So, if you are reading this, and we are in any sort of relationship. Just remember...

if dead body discovery time > 1 day then Adrian's ghost =

but if dead body discovery time < 1 day then Adrian's ghost =

I love breakfast! It's my absolute favorite meal of all time. And since I am talking about death today, I leave you with a song that I wish to be performed during my funeral.

Just because I felt like blogging...

2010-03-09T08:15:00.001-05:00

When we're young; we want to be old. When we're in College; we want a job. When we're single; we want a relationship. And once we're old, employed and married we want to be young again...

A very good friend recently shared this with me "The grass is always greener where you water it"

I don't want to rush life, because when the journey ends, there's no 'reset' button. Each phase in life has joy and pain, and I aim to take pleasure in experiencing them both to the fullest.

That's all I got for today.

Don't Talk, Just Sing

2010-02-22T18:15:00.008-05:00

This weekend, I had the pleasure of seeing one of my favorite artists performing live at the Verizon Center. Due to his inability to censor himself, he has earned a reputation for saying some ignorant sh*t. However, whether John Mayer is a racist or not (personally, I do not believe him to be), when given a guitar and pre-scripted lyrics, he'll give you a phenomenal performance.

And judging by the crowd in the Verizon Center that night, I'm not the only one aware of that fact...

Most people know him for his mainstream hits such as Waiting On The World To Change and Daughters. But John Mayer is also a brilliant blues artist, as demonstrated in songs like Out Of My Mind and I'm Gonna Find Another You.

Even though this concert served the purpose of promoting his newest album, which I virtually loathed, hearing him perform live made even his weakest songs sound great.

But enough of my opinions, here are some pictures I snapped during the concert.

A Smoke and a Pancake

2010-02-13T16:00:00.008-05:00

After an odd dream wherein I constantly smoked and ate a cigar which somehow doubled as a piece of sausage, I awoke with a desire to try a real live cigar. Kinda random considering I've never been a smoker and I've only ever taken three puffs of anything in my lifetime.

So...I bought a cigar (an Ashton Corona for $8) and decided to try it with some rum and coke (Nedra, please don't tell mom).

(Fun fact #413: I can't even pretend that I keep rum in my house, the bottle was in fact my cousin's leftover from a Christmas visit)

For some reason I wanted to take a big whiff of the cigar as soon as I openened it...Probably won't be doing that next time, because it literally smelled like poop.

Next, I had to cut the closed tip off of the cigar, to allow air to flow, but also ensuring not to cut too much to prevent damaging the delicate wrapper holding it all together.

Lighting the cigar easily took about 20 minutes, and 10 matches. I've since learned that I was doing it all wrong. However, eventually it DID get lit!

The flavor of the smoke was surprisingly pleasant and paired extremely well with my rum and Coke.

I look forward to having more cigar experiences in the future, and maybe next time I'll have my cigar with a waffle!

Keeping up With The Joneses: My Doppelgänger

2010-02-02T10:00:00.002-05:00

Ah, 'tis the onset of tax season. And in order to distract myself from incessantly checking on the status of the return I filed on Saturday, I have decided to post a blog.

Yes, all of my friends have already done it, yes, facebook as become inundated with people doing it and yes, mine is so obvious that it's almost as if I were trying to look like him (I am not, by the way).

Despite all of these things, I had to blog about something.

So without further adieu, I present to you the person whom people consistently say I resemble the most:

My 2010 To Do

2010-01-04T09:00:00.001-05:00

Well, now that you know that I'm still alive, I'd like to wish you all a Happy New Year!

To start the new year off right, I've decided to do something I've always been encouraged to do, but never actually done. I'm going to put in writing the things I'd like to accomplish that, up until this point, have only been thoughts or ideas.

In 2010 I, Adrian Odell McClyde will:

Learn to play Rachmaninoff's Prelude in C-Sharp Minor (One of my favorite classical pieces)
Visit Las Vegas for the first time
Be able to ride my bicycle even when it's cold
Get my passport
Attend Mardi Gras 2011 in New Orleans (obviously this takes place in 2011, but I will have everything ready to go in 2010)
Bench press 255lbs
Complete at least 40 hours of volunteer work

I plan to add things to this list as I remember them, and once completed, I plan to post blogs about them and create links to said blogs from this page. (i.e. Press Ctrl+D now to track my progress)

Music Review: Battle Studies

2009-11-20T10:00:00.006-05:00

Normally I don't review things. Just because I don't like something, doesn't mean it sucks. And I just feel weird about saying someone isn't good at doing something that I myself can't even do.

That being said...John Mayers new album is crap. Battle Studies has seriously hurt my feelings. I feel betrayed. Where are the powerful lyrics of a tormented soul from Continuum? Where is the blues influence from Try? Alas, they are nowhere to be found. They have been replaced by lyrics lacking both passion and dimension, and repetitive (borderline monotonous) chorus lines. This is supposed to be John Mayer, not Jack Johnson.

After struggling through these 11 tracks of rubbish, I found myself Waiting On The Disc To Change.

Twilight at twilight

2009-11-20T08:00:00.010-05:00

I was among the fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on your viewpoint) group of individuals packed into theaters at 12:01am this morning, eager for a first glimpse at Twilight: New Moon. This was my first time ever attending a midnight premier, and I enjoyed the ambience. The buzz in the crowd as midnight approached, the crowd reaction to scenes never before seen by the general public. It was an experience I look forward to having again.

I'd like to assure my viewers, that had it not been for the "Twilight Challenge" issued by my dear friend Nicole, I would've slept right through this highly anticipated moment (among pubescent teens), and would not be struggling to remain awake as I sit at my desk this morning. Well...at least the former would be true.

Sadly, despite making it to the premier, I didn't actually complete the "Twilight Challenge" unlike my girl Notorious Kim.

Twilight Challenge Rules:

1. New Moon hits theaters on November 20. You have until December 20 to see it.
2. You must see it at a movie theater. Which theater is up to you.
3. You can see it at any time of day on any day of the week of your choosing.
4. You must wear a Team Edward or Team Jacob shirt to the theater. You can decide which one. It must be visible to other people. Meaning you can't wear the T-shirt under a sweater or a coat.
5. You must submit the following pictures to prove you have completed the challenge. 1. A picture of you in the T-shirt. 2. A picture of the ticket stub. 3. A picture of you in or in front of the movie theater.
6. You can go by yourself or with others. It's up to you.
7. You must blog about your challenge.

It was hard enough for my old ass to be leaving the house at 11:30pm on a weeknight and taking pictures was the last thing on my mind as I convinced myself to abandon my warm, comfortable bed.

I'd say the movie itself was very much like the first movie. Full of naive teen romance and wannabe poignant one-liners. When compared to the first movie, I felt there were more action sequences, and the wolves were very cool looking.

And in case you couldn't tell from the image above, last night I ran with wolves. Team Jacob baby!

A Question to My Readers

2009-11-17T08:30:00.003-05:00

I like to think of myself as a problem solver. However, to this day, the answer to one puzzle in particular has eluded me. That age old question that many of us have no doubt struggled with: How does one properly use a disposable toilet seat cover?

Removing the seat cover from it's container without totally destroying it is an admirable accomplishment in itself

I've gotten to the point where I think the middle portion must be torn away, as failure to observe this step could result in a big mess! But is there a method to tearing away the middle portion? Often times, my tearing results in rendering the remaining seat cover ineffective.

By the time your seat cover is prepared for use it's likely not covering more than 50% of the contaminated region you wish to avoid! Therefore, I have concluded that toilet seat covers are actually more functional as bibs than seat covers.

Early Morning Earworm

2009-10-19T08:00:00.000-04:00

I, along with many other people ascending the Rosslyn escalator, were privy to the earworm plaguing another metro rider this morning. The song; Barbara's Bedroom by Whistle. The performer; a woman whom appeared homeless, or at the very least to have a unique mind. As she repeated the chorus on her way to the top of the escalator, she also gently rubbed her left butt cheek with her left hand.

Needless to say, the entire ordeal was much more than I was prepared for at 7am this morning. Nonetheless, I've downloaded the song, and listened to it twice since I've been at my desk.

I, was in Barbara's Bedroom
Whoa I, was in Barbara's Bedroom
You shoulda seen me, in Barbara's Bedroom
Whoa I, was in Barbara's Bedroom

The Realist's Weekly Recap

2009-10-16T10:30:00.000-04:00

Snuggiemania

Am I the only one who is appalled by the idea of the Snuggie being a revolutionary invention? I saw someone purchasing one from Best Buy this week and couldn't help but scoff. It keeps you warm, and it has sleeves. Gee, that sounds a lot like my robe! C'mon people!

Free Money. Sike!

If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Well, apparently those folks at Burlington Coat Factory never got that memo. It's sad and very scary how easy it is to incite a riot. On the flip side, if you ever need to draw a crowd of 1500 people in under an hour, you could just claim to be a generous lottery winner.

Enough with the Swine Flu

The subject says all that I care to say on this matter.

Lyin' ass kid is cute because he could've died

I am no child psychologist, and believe it or not, I have no education whatsoever in human psychology. However, I think I'm able to spot an attention whore when I see one, and I also think I am able to spot a rehearsed response from a child when I see one. And I saw both of those things after "Balloon Boy" and his father took over the airwaves for entirely too long this week. And yes, I most certainly do think that the father and the boy are lying.

Wow. Apparently I'm in a critical mood today! Have a good weekend!

If It Ain't Broke...

2009-10-07T09:30:00.000-04:00

Honestly...I can't understand why the folks at Geico would replace an advertising campaign that has evolved over many years into a smart, funny and witty success, with an inanimate stack of money that incessantly repeats a song that is quickly rising to the top of the all-time most annoying songs list!

I mean, the stack isn't even that big. And it clearly doesn't contain big bills. Why would I want to go through the hassle of switching insurance companies just to save $30!? It's not clever, it's not funny, it doesn't even make sense; a stack of bills, that can't move, is sending text messages?!?

Stop this madness, Geico! Just stop it! I beg you!

Souvenir Glasses Galore

2009-10-06T08:00:00.000-04:00

I like wine, and as a result, I enjoy attending Wine Festivals (don't judge me). Over the years, I have amassed quite a collection of souvenir wine glasses from said festivals. In fact, I'm running out of space in my cabinet and beginning to feel like a pack rat.

It's The Little Things

2009-10-05T09:30:00.000-04:00

I'm sure we all can agree that it's nice to be able to appreciate the little things in life. Like opening your desk drawer to find a bar of chocolate that you hid from yourself the week before.

Re-learning an Old Trick

2009-10-03T16:45:00.000-04:00

I decided, since my flag football days have come to an end, that I need a new hobby. I've repeatedly thought of taking up playing an instrument again. Although I hated taking lessons and practicing as a child, as an adult, I have more of an appreciation for the art that comes from my hand.

On Thursday, I received a keyboard, and realized that I was quite rusty after not touching a piano for over 15 years.

But after a few hours of practice, I saw enough improvement to give me confidence that I can re-learn this old trick!

For Ruining My Weekend

2009-10-02T19:30:00.000-04:00

It's one thing to get a $25 ticket for an expired meter. It sucks, but what can you do? You were parked at a meter, that is expired. It's an entirely different thing, however, to get a $40 ticket for parking at a meter (that you've paid), facing the wrong direction.

Yes, that's right, I thought I was parking on a one-way street this morning, with meters lining the left side. I found out the hard way this afternoon that it was indeed a two-way street, and I was parked illegally.

So I decided to let the Treasurer of Arlington County know exactly just what the check I wrote him was "For".

Next Stop; The North Pole

2009-09-21T08:00:00.000-04:00

Am I the only Metro Rail commuter unable to feel their fingertips this morning? Or did I inadvertently board the Polar Express? Hey Metro, your A/C works! There is no need to prove it to us all before it reaches 60 degrees outside.

Blonde and a Pretzel

2009-09-18T09:30:00.000-04:00

Every once in awhile my friend Nicole and I will head over to DuClaw Brewing Co., where I will normally have several rounds of their best beer and a crab pretzel.

Recently the presentation of my crab pretzel has changed from its usual round dish, to a rectangular one. The pretzel itself has been elongated by at least 2 inches.

Thus inspiring this proposed DVD cover for my upcoming film, Bare Ass Blonde's and My Pretzel:

BEEP BEEP Sir, Please Step Over There!

2009-09-14T13:30:00.000-04:00

Security Guard: Please empty your pockets and remove your shoes and belt.
I empty my pockets and remove my shoes
Security Guard: Arms straight out...
She begins tracing my figure with her wand, when she arrives at my right ring finger the alarm sounds again.
*BEEP BEEP*
Me: It must be my Adamantium plating, they warned that this might happen.
Security Guard: Please remove all of your clothing, sir.

*aaaand cue 80's pornographic movie track*

The preceding is how I envision my first pass through a metal detector will unfold now that underneath my skin, this is how my finger looks:

...until you file a claim

2009-09-04T10:30:00.000-04:00

After speaking with a friend recently about her auto insurance rates rising after 2 minor accidents, I have decided that ALL insurance companies must add "...until you file a claim" to the end of their "claims to fame", in order to make them truthful!

Please accept my proposal for the following revisions:

"You're in good hands with Allstate...until you file a claim"

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there...until you file a claim"

"Nationwide is on your side...until you file a claim"

EPI stands for Exocrine Pancreatic Insufficiency

2009-09-04T08:30:00.000-04:00

My dog, Ty has had issues of an assplosion-like nature for quite some time now. These episodes don't seem to affect his playful demeanor at all, however about 50% of the time they adversely affect my carpeting.

However, three years, two veterinarians, countless x-ray's, various prescription medications and approximately six diet changes later (including cooked food), there may be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Recent developments have determined that my dog has a jacked up pancreas and/or intestines. The good news is there are treatments for most disorders that affect these organs. The bad news is that until we (Ty's vet- Dr. Scott Andersen and I) are able to diagnose the exact disorder, we won't know how extreme the treatment will need to be.

So to all you dog owners, concerned with how long it's taking Fluffy to learn how to "Play Dead". Don't get too discouraged. It could be worse.

Move Over Ring Finger Part 3: The Aftermath

2009-08-28T15:00:00.000-04:00

I know this is the moment you've all be waiting for...you have lost countless hours of sleep over the past few nights wondering "what does his finger look like now?"

Well, wonder no more, my friends. I present to you, my shiny* new finger:

It certainly isn't straight, but it's not as bad as it was before.

*Shine courtesy of Palmer's Cocoa Butter

Hand Yoga

2009-08-27T12:45:00.000-04:00

I've just completed my first therapy session this morning, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. Initially, never having had therapy, I assumed it would be similar to a visit to a spa. All the girls I knew who majored in physical therapy gave great massages! However, after hearing the horror stories of pain and forced bending from a co-worker, I was no longer looking forward to it.

The first session laid to rest any apprehension I may have had coming in. The establishment reminded me of a cross between a nail salon and a hotel gym. There were stations setup (like in nail salons) where various clients were receiving treatment, and there were a couple of exercise bikes (presumably for patients with knee and/or leg trauma), one had a bumper sticker saying "I Love [insert name of restaurant which I've forgotten here] Pizza". And after spotting a sign reading "There will be a $5 charge for whining" I figured, I'm either about to be broke, or I'm in good hands.

First, my finger was wrapped in a big warm towel, kinda like the ones you get after dinner at a Japanese restaurant, only much bigger. Then, I received some sort of shock treatment to get the fluids moving around in my finger. Finally, I received a finger massage from a Japanese massage therapist. And while it was only my finger, you know it had to be a good massage, I mean...She's Japanese!

I managed to make it through my first visit without losing $5! I was also given hand exercises to do hourly. The diagram of the various positions makes me think of Yoga. I must say that these exercises aren't painless, and I probably would've been short $20 if I were back in the doctors office while I performed them. But so far, this is a much better experience than I was expecting.

P.S. This is the first blog I have typed using my right ring finger since August 14th! *high five* (not too hard on the finger)

McMeteorologist

2009-08-24T18:15:00.000-04:00

This weekend, I had the oppotunity to visit the Newseum. In addition to viewing a few of the fascinating exhibits and a cool 4-D movie, I had the opportunity to be a meteorologist!!! Don't believe me? Watch this...

Move over Bob Ryan!

A Vasovagal episode

2009-08-24T15:30:00.000-04:00

Today, in the midst of having my stitches removed, I required a respite. It is at that moment that I had, what Dr. Barth's assistant referred to as a Vasovagal reaction.

Luckily I did not faint. I have never fainted, however I'm positive I was as close as I have ever been today.

I can't even begin to describe the agony induced by the assistant as she attempted to remove the six or seven stitches from the area of my finger where bone from my wrist had been inserted. But it was the worst pain I can remember experiencing to date.

Interestingly enough, the two stitches in my wrist were removed with very little pain.

Thank you Mr. Alfred Einhorn for Novacaine!

Move Over Ring Finger Part 2: A Bone for A Bone

2009-08-21T19:30:00.000-04:00

In the last episode, we left off with me saying "it is time to see a hand specialist."

Well, I visited a specialist by the name of Dr. Richard Barth, M.D. (or not M.D.? That is the question...)

After performing X-Rays, Dr. Barth informed me that my finger was not only broken, but rotated as well. He gave me two options: 1) Leave the finger as is (yeah right) or 2) Perform a surgery to repair the finger. The operation would consist of re-breaking my finger, grafting a piece of bone from my wrist, then wedging it into the break and finally, rotating my finger back. A small plate would also be used somehow. Here is my attempt to illustrate graphically what I just tried to transcribe:

So my fingertip looks more like a...rocket, than a bone. You get the idea. Anyway, because I tired of the winces I received whenever someone caught a glimpse of my finger, I decided to have the operation. This was to be my first real surgery, yet I was more excited than nervous about the experience.

I did feel kinda weird wearing a garment that fastened in the back and a shower cap, but hey, they let me keep my undies on!

My dad had to drive me to and from the hospital because I was to be anesthetized. He was chillin' doing crossword puzzles the whole time.

The doc came in to see me before the surgery and drew over the area on my wrist where he would extract bone.

I was then wheeled into the OR where I was greeted by...Marvin Gaye? OK! Not at all what I expected. I assumed the only sounds I would hear in the OR would be rhythmic beeping behind the soothing voice of the Anesthesiologist telling me "you're going to go to sleep now". But he didn't even say that...at least not before I was asleep...

...And then I woke up, had some shaved ice fed to me, and was told to move into a chair in order to let the effects of the anesthesia diminish. My throat hurt...I looked down at my hand...WHOA!

Was all that really necessary?! I guess so...I felt how I imagine a boxer must feel...

While I waited, they were nice enough to give me a snack (I'd stopped eating at 10pm the night before, and it was currently 3pm, so I was kinda hoping for a small lamb or lobster) which I obliterated within seconds. My throat hurt...

I asked a nurse about the pain in my throat. "You had a tube in your throat." she said, "you will feel the pain for a few days." She recommended I try Cēpacol to soothe the pain.

Over the next few days, I became very well acquainted with my pain medication, my bed and the taste of graham crackers.

I leave you with this...unless you enjoy feeling nothing at all inside your mouth and witnessing your ability to taste diminish before even the lozenge does, I implore you; avoid Cēpacol!

The Rosslyn Club

2009-08-18T13:30:00.000-04:00

Once in awhile a sandwich comes along which, once sampled, could inspire a one-handed man to compose a hymn praising its gloriousness!

I, my friends am such a one-handed man (today), and this is my hymn to The Rosslyn Club as prepared by Rosslyn Coffee & Deli:

Ooo-ooo-ooooooh Rosslyn Cluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuub
how-ow-ow ECK...cillent!!!
how-ow-ow ECK...cillent!!!
iiiiiiiis, thy taye-aye-eee-aye-ste!!!
...
in all the earrrrrrrrrrrrrth...
in all the earrrrrrrrrrrrth...
...
Ooo-ooo-ooooooh Rosslyn Cluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuub
how-ow-ow ECK...cillent!!!
how-ow-ow ECK...cillent!!!
iiiiiiiis, thy taye-aye-eee-aye-ste!!!

The Homeless Ingrate

2009-08-12T09:15:00.000-04:00

Homeless people...many of them have mental disabilities, and often times, it's sad to see. But what can you do? Offer them your spare room? Maybe if your name was Jesus Christ and you knew that if you were killed while being Christian, your heavenly father would just bring you back to life...No, the only thing you are going to do to show your sympathy is give them a donation.

But don't you want to just kick the homeless person that doesn't appreciate your donation, no matter how small?

As I stood talking to my female, Ukrainian co-worker I was approached by an African American man asking one of those questions to which there is only one answer, "excuse me. do you want to help the homeless?". He was so professional in his approach, I actually thought he was with a non-profit organization. But as it turns out, he was speaking on behalf of himself. He began an elaborate lie about how he'd filled out so many job applications that he'd developed psoriasis. Having been turned off by his deceit, I reluctantly reached into my pocket and emptied my loose change into his hand, carefully avoiding contact with his psoriatic plaques. "This is all I've got" was the fabrication I retorted with.

As my co-worker and I boarded the train, I heard him say "Yeah, I figured. You're with a white woman."

At that moment, I turned around, struck the homeless man in the face, and reclaimed my $.50. I didn't really do that, but I was thinking it...

A Geriatric Scolding

2009-08-07T09:30:00.000-04:00

Using public transportation affords me the opportunity to experience many bloggable occurrences. The latest such occurrence all started with a young man propping his feet up on one of the vertical handrails nearest to the door of a metro rail car.

Upon entering the car, I noticed the young man wearing headphones, who appeared to be quite comfortable with blocking half of the walkway with his leg. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and went around to the other side to pass. Who knows, perhaps his ankles were swollen and he needed immediate relief. Besides, the car wasn't exactly full, there was plenty of room to walk around him.

However, at the next stop, there was an older man who wasn't nearly as understanding as I.

*enter elderly gentlemen on the right side of the car*

As the doors opened, the young man looked up to see if it would be necessary to put his foot down. After noticing that the elderly gentleman entered on the side of the car where his passage to a seat would be uninterrupted by the younger mans leg, the younger man put his head back down.

But as the elderly gentleman walked passed the young man and noticed his foot blocking half of the walkway, a scolding ensued. "You don't lounge around like this is your house!" exclaimed the elderly man in some sort of accent that I could not identify. The young man realized that the elderly man was speaking to him and calmly removed his headphones. At this point the elderly man was pointing his finger at the young man and shaking it as he yelled "Put your feet down! Show some respect!"

The young man, bewildered by what had just transpired, took his foot off of the rail, shook his head and put his headphones back on.

Passing Strange

2009-08-03T11:30:00.000-04:00

In the spring of 2008, I had the pleasure of seeing this amazing play performed live at the Belasco Theater in New York. This story of a young black man searching for inspiration really hit home. I saw a reflection of myself in Stew's character and after the play was over, I immediately wanted to see it again. And now I can...

I recommend this to everyone!

The Bus Factor

2009-07-29T14:15:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one who thought it was odd that anytime a prediction was made in the workplace regarding the cause for someone unexpectedly kicking the bucket, it would always be that they were hit by a bus (eg. "It is imperative that you are trained on this procedure, just in case I walk out of my house and get hit by a bus tomorrow")?

Well, I am not ashamed to admit that I thought it was odd. In fact, I thought about it so much that I looked it up on Wikipedia!

In software development, a software project's bus factor is an irreverent measurement of concentration of information in a single person, or very few people. The bus factor is the total number of key developers who would if incapacitated, as by getting hit by a bus, send the project into such disarray that it would not be able to proceed.

Getting hit by a bus could take many different forms. This could be a person taking a new job, having a baby, changing their lifestyle or life status: the impact would have the same effect.

Who knew? I know I know...YOU did.

Seven Deadly Secrets*: No. 7

2009-07-22T13:30:00.000-04:00

The final of the Seven Deadly Secrets installments. *whew*

If you know me, you know that I despise pennies. In the words of me, "...they are scum..."

Yet, my overly optimistic nature allows me to find the good in all things. And the thing that I have decided to do with my pennies to get them off of me and out of sight is collect them and deposit them. So, for about 2 years now, I constantly have a post-it on my desk with a stack of pennies on top. Every so often, I will deposit the completed rolls into an off-shore bank account. The post-it allows me to know how many pennies are in the stack without having to recount them each time I want to add more pennies.

The mere fact that it has taken me nearly 6 months to accumulate $2.87 in pennies is a testament to their worthlessness.

* Seven Deadly Secrets is copyrighted by Nicole's Blog

Seven Deadly Secrets*: No. 6

2009-07-21T14:30:00.000-04:00

I was once a backup dancer and singer for Michael Jackson...

Ok, not really. But I was selected from the audience to perform with the guy who was trying to get us hyped up. It was back when I was sporting a huge fro, and when I got in front of the audience and took my place next to the comedian, the DJ put on a Jackson 5 number. While the intro music played, we both began two steppin', and then we both did a spin in unison and the audience started cheering loudly. But when it was time for us to sing, I realized I didn't know the lyrics. The comedian blamed me for killing the routine, and for the remainder of the show he'd end ALL of his acts (he'd come out in between commercial breaks to keep the audience hype) by coming over to me and saying "...but we HAD 'em when we did the spin..."

In case you were wondering, the show I was in the studio audience for was a TV One taping of Get The Hookup

* Seven Deadly Secrets is copyrighted by Nicole's Blog

Seven Deadly Secrets*: No. 5

2009-07-21T14:15:00.000-04:00

Fact: I've been approached by more Men than I have Women.

Among the most noteable are Ishmael, who approached me at the gym, under the guise of sharing workout tips. Then there was the "Mr. Cosi", whose name I never knew...got a free meal or two out of that one though. And Nick, who attempted to seduce me by performing a lip synching routine, complete with off-balanced pirouettes.

* Seven Deadly Secrets is copyrighted by Nicole's Blog

Seven Deadly Secrets*: No. 4

2009-07-20T11:30:00.000-04:00

I suck at taking scantron tests.

The only time I actually filled out a scantron properly was during my SAT's. Every other time, I'd simply get lost in all the bubbles and start filling in circles randomly trying to make designs. My parents thought I was an idiot up until high school, because I scored horrendously low on any and all placement tests given to me on scantron forms.

* Seven Deadly Secrets is copyrighted by Nicole's Blog

"They" Don't Have a Disorder for Me

2009-07-15T14:00:00.000-04:00

I just learned which words should and should not be capitalized in a title, in order to ensure the title of this blog was grammatically correct.

I've always been a quiet person. When I was younger, teachers loved me because I never talked in class. But I wasn't trying to be a goodie-goodie, I just never talked much to anyone. I'd go to a party, I'm in the corner. While walking my dog, I purposely avoid others who might try and speak to me. In the gym, I avoid activities that require me to ask for someone else to assist me. I wouldn't describe myself as shy, I just don't see much point in wasting time with superficial interactions.

I'm very comfortable with established friends and family, especially within comfortable surroundings (i.e. my house, my parents' house), and I can enjoy spending endless amounts of time interacting with them.

But put me in an unfamiliar location (even a friends' house), and I have a very difficult time getting comfortable, and cannot linger there for extended periods of time.

My mother thought/thinks I'm depressed. And I have been chastised by peers for not being more social.

Most days I don't even think about how I am, but sometimes I wonder "am I depressed?" "could I really be depressed my entire life?" "why can't I just talk to people?"

Today I read this post from someone who sounds a lot like me:

"...I have always been a shy, quiet person around people that I don't know well. I have many friends that I feel comfortable with. But as to other people, in the work force or everyday acquaintances, I don't want to be bothered.

Does this sound selfish, or could it be depression?

...

Out of my work environment, I don't want to fraternize with people in the stores, or markets. Why is this happening to me? And, how can I make it better?"

At first, I felt better just knowing that it wasn't hard to find someone else who I can relate to. And after reading the comments that followed this post, I felt kinda dumb for thinking I needed to try and be different when I really don't have a problem with who I am:

"You say that you're happy this way, so why are you looking to make a change? Not everyone has to be social and outgoing. As long as you have strong, healthy relationships in your life, you don't have to make friends with everyone that crosses your path."

"...I don't like working with/being around a lot of other people, I don't like small-talk/surface interactions, and I prefer my own company or the company of people I already know to that of strangers or people I don't know very well.

...If I try to be something different (more outgoing/sociable), I can pull it off for short time, but inevitably it makes me cranky and ill-at-ease..."

Seven Deadly Secrets*: No. 3

2009-07-14T09:10:00.000-04:00

So, January of this year marks the first time I've purchased a car on my own. To say that my OCD has gone overboard when it comes to my interactions with Breezy is an understatement. For example, check out a shot from her photoshoot after I hand waxed her for the first time.

*sigh* Just lovely! But I digress. I have an unfounded belief that over time, the oils in my hands will harm Breezy's delicate interior. It is my remedy for this which leads us to my third deadly secret.

Often times, I wear driving gloves when operating my vehicle.

* Seven Deadly Secrets is copyrighted by Nicole's Blog

Cubicle Encounters: Episode 2

2009-07-10T11:30:00.000-04:00

July 6, 2009

co-worker: what's up fuckster?

co-worker: how's it goin' man? feelin' p.f. changs today?

July 9, 2009

co-worker: hi adrian, i am wearing my ring today *holds up left hand to reveal a wedding band*

co-worker: how's it goin' man?! guess where i went monday night...
me: p.f. chan...
co-worker: P.F. CHANGS man! yeah...it's been about 4-5 years, but i was in fairfax and figured, why not? so i won't be bugging you about going anymore, unless you still wannooo...

Seven Deadly Secrets*: No. 2

2009-07-10T11:00:00.000-04:00

I've never been in a fight. Sometimes I wonder how I'd fare, should a situation escalate to the point of exchanging blows. However, in this day and age when people are too lazy to throw a punch, and would rather pull a trigger, I'll have to satisfy my curiosity some other way. I hear the UFC is taking applications.

* Seven Deadly Secrets is copyrighted by Nicole's Blog

Seven Deadly Secrets*: No. 1

2009-07-09T11:30:00.000-04:00

This is the first of seven posts which will reveal seven secrets about me that many do not know. Consider yourself special, to be privy to such highly classified information.

So without further ado, my first secret is that I enjoy chick flicks. Not only do I enjoy watching them, I enjoy when a chick flick causes me to cry. I don't think I cry very often, perhaps 1 of every 20 chick flicks I watch will cause me to cry. Among the movies that I might be caught getting choked up on are: 27 Dresses, Definitely Maybe, Dance With Me and Spanglish. However, my all-time most tear-inducing moment occurs in the movie, Shall We Dance.

Spoiler alert: If you have not seen Shall We Dance, and desire to see it at some point without knowing the outcome please discontinue reading this blog now.

There is a part in the movie where Richard Gere's wife gives in to her husband's desire to make dance a higher priority in his life than she is. As he prepares to attend a dance party one evening, he notices that his wife has left him a pair of new dance shoes to wear, along with a note stating how she finally found a gift he would enjoy. After reading the note, Richard Gere decides to take a detour on the way to the dance party to surprise his wife, who is working that night, and tell her that she is his only partner.

When he comes up the escalator as his wife is discussing an outfit which a mannequin is wearing with her co-workers, without fail, I become choked up. The song playing in the background, Book of Love by Peter Gabriel, doesn't help at all for anyone whom might be trying to hold back their reaction.

He then proceeds to dance with his wife in the middle of the store...*sigh* just lovely.

* Seven Deadly Secrets is copyrighted by Nicole's Blog

Canine Dining

2009-07-03T16:30:00.000-04:00

There comes a time in every mans life where he has to make a choice. Does he choose to continue spending hours cleaning his "best friends'" fecal matter off of carpet, linoleum, walls and cabinet hinges (<-- not fun)? Or does he choose to spend those hours over a stovetop, inhaling much more pleasant aromas?

As of today, I have chosen the latter!

Due to the sensitive nature of my canine's stomach, I have been advised by experts to prepare his meals the old fashioned way (i.e. cooking). Perfect! Especially considering I don't even cook for myself.

So, I signed up for a membership to Sam's Club and purchased some frozen chicken breasts and rice; two of the ingredients I needed. The third and final ingredient, peas and carrots, I had to get from Superfresh.

Not including the time taken to dust off my pots and cooking utensils, it took me about 30-45 minutes to prepare the meal as directed.

Once Ty saw me take his dog bowl into the kitchen, he knew something was afoot. But what could it be?

In the end, it turned out looking like a pretty healthy canine dinner. Far more appetizing (to me anyways) than the store-bought pellets Ty has been used to eating up to this point.

And five minutes after bringing the bowl down to his level...

All that remained was a single grain of rice...

Only time will tell if my choice to slave over a stovetop will eliminate my need for an indoor pooper scooper. Now, where did I put that number for Stanley Steemer?

Cubicle Encounters: Episode 1

2009-06-26T12:05:00.000-04:00

I have decided to keep record of every interesting greeting I receive as I sit in my cubicle. This series will chronicle the very first things that come out of peoples mouths once they enter my cubicle. When necessary for contextual understanding, entire conversations may be logged. I will also provide commentary as I see fit.

June 22, 2009

co-worker: hey man, where's your boy _ _ _ _ _ _?
me: i don't know (i'm sure we all love to ignore those individuals who think you are some sort of almighty attendance sheet with knowledge of everyones whereabouts, even those individuals outside of your particular department)
co-worker: called in sick?
me: i don't know
co-worker: partying?
me: ...
*co-worker backs out of cubicle slowly*

co-worker: *psssht*
*i look up to see my co-worker standing directly behind me*
co-worker: It's a good thing I own drivers shoes...otherwise I wouldn't be able to get away with THIS shit
*dramatically lifts up pant leg to reveal the absence of socks*

co-worker: *whispering* aaaaaaaaaaaaaadrian. are my emails confusing?

co-worker: Yo. The buyers are here.

Didier vs. Benjamin Brown

2009-06-23T08:00:00.000-04:00

Anyone who has seen Son of Rambow is familiar with the French exchange student, Didier Revol. Who you may not be familiar with however, is my cousin Benjamin Brown (pictured below on right), who is a spitting image of Didier.

Move Over Ring Finger

2009-06-22T11:40:00.000-04:00

WARNING: Due to disturbing image content. Viewer discretion is advised.

...Seriously, most people run away screaming at the sight of this sort of stuff...

...Still here? Fair enough. You have been warned...

Today is the first day, after having my finger taped for over a week, that I have gotten a good look at my broken ring finger. And, to my surprise, I just had the very same reaction I've received when showing off my injury to others; *insert screw face here* "That's really nasty!"

As you can see, it didn't really look THAT bad when I had it taped up...or perhaps, the tape prevented me from admitting how bad it actually did look. And for a moment, I'd thought about just leaving my ring finger as is.

But the reality is that my ring finger has completely invaded the personal space which my middle finger has grown accustomed to having all to himself for the past 31 years.

My middle finger can't even type a letter on the keyboard now without becoming intimate with my ring finger.

And so, I have conceded that it is time to see a hand specialist.

My Dog is Gay

2009-06-16T16:00:00.000-04:00

After telling people that my dog is gay, despite the fact that they haven't spent nearly as much time with my dog as I have, they generally think I am joking.

People who think they know all about dogs may say *after clearing their throats and placing a smoking tobacco pipe strategically into their mouth* "'Tis normal for canines to assert their dominance over another by humping said canine."

Granted, the above does indeed occur. However, when MY dog, Ty humps his boyfriend Roach, it has nothing to do with dominance and everything to do with pleasure. And I will prove it.

First, it is important to note that my dog will be three this July, and is not neutered. Yet he has only ever humped one thing. Ever. And it was neither a bitch in heat, nor a human leg, nor the stuffed Paddington Bear that I have in my sitting room. The one thing my dog has ever attempted to hump is a neutered male runt named Roach.

Second, the humping sessions are always preceded by what can only be described as canine foreplay. If, for instance, Roach walked into my house and Ty immediately mounted him and began "asserting his dominance", that would be understandable. However, Ty begins first with a lustful frenzy of incessant licking of Roach's mouth and genitalia!

Finally, thirty minutes into this lustful frenzy, Ty's eyes are literally red with desire. He is panting uncontrollably. It is evident by the amount of pink one can now see, that he is indeed ready. He places his neck gently across Roach's back and they begin. Those determined, wanton thrusts into mid-air.

I've read that I must discipline Ty when he begins to behave in this way, and that repeated corrective measures will remedy the problem. Tell that to Harvey Milk. At any rate, I have attempted to discipline Ty, and now he simply looks to see if I am paying attention before beginning his ritualistic courtship. And once he is "ready", not even the threat of disciplinary action is enough for him to dismount his lover.

While, I have nothing against creatures engaging in homosexual acts. It does anger me to be awakened in the middle of the night by this behavior, and it frustrates me to think about it now. I am so frustrated, I don't even think I can finish writing thi

Lightbulb Moments

2009-06-15T14:30:00.000-04:00

I believe wholeheartedly that we can never predict where the answers will come from. You know..."the answers". To those questions we never knew we had. :) Oh we may have thought we knew what answers we were looking for. But one of the joys I find in this life, is realizing that you have no idea where it will take you.

And that is why, I will say "Wassup man?" to that homeless person who sits outside of Rosslyn station every day. Even if, on occasion his response is "I hope you fall right down". Because one day, he might just respond with the answer to a question I never knew I had.

This weekend, I was performing a very routine activity (walking my dog), when I noticed a not-so-routine occurrence; my neighbor walking to and from a large Uhaul truck. My neighbor, whom I used to wave to in the mornings as he walked to his vehicle and I walked my dog. Because a wave was all I could muster at a time when the sun was nowhere to be found, and facing the winds caused tears to fall. My neighbor, with whom I had only really spoken to at length once in the entire four years I'd lived in this neighborhood. Yet as he approached with a smile, I found no difficulty recalling his name as we greeted one another verbally for the first time in months.

"Moving out?" I asked, feeling slightly disheartened once I began to process what I believed to be happening. "Nope." he smiled, "I'm moving my mother in." He paused briefly before saying "I don't know if you know this, but I left my wife." I used to see his wife on occasion, always after he'd gone to work, loading their kids into the car. I never saw them together, yet never thought anything of it. It can be very tough for two working people with children to find time for one another.

"No, I didn't know that. I'm really sorry. When did that happen?"

"It's been seven months now. We were together for nine years. It was very tough. The best way I can describe it, is I spent most of the time trying not to make her mad, you know? Trying not to make her mad, instead of trying to make her happy."

"I know what you mean."

And I did know. And just then, I also knew that I didn't want to spend anymore of my time trying not to make people mad. Of course, the idea of living reactively, as opposed to proactively, is always something I have been opposed to and struggled with. But this individual, at this time, gave me an answer that I likely couldn't have received from anywhere else. I say received, because I have "heard" it several times, in several different ways. But this weekend, I received it.

Welcome, you...yes YOU!

2009-06-15T14:22:00.000-04:00

Whomever, whatever or wherever you are, Welcome. Thank you for taking time from your life to learn a bit about mine. My hope is that you'll enjoy your time and come again. Be real.